I am more than I think

I have a wonderful praise today. Things that I needed are happening just so. When I got my test in chemistry back, I was very discouraged. I have never had so low a test grade. Once I went through my check to see why it was so low. I realized I had approached several of the problems the wrong way. Then the problems started.

Dr Hayes was still going over all question that most of the class got wrong when I started venting on my note paper. I was writing how stupid I am and the like on my notes. Most of which is not good to share. By the time class was over I had finished my letter. My last lines were a plea for help. I don;t like to feel lost and unloved. I know this is not true, but that doesn't change what I feel.

At the end of calculus, I wanted to just leave and cry but I stayed to listen to questions. I wanted to stay after Dr Henson left but I realized that she was not going to leave until I left. She talked to me about simple Calc can be. And I admitted that it was one of my easiest classes. It just all makes sense.

She then asked if I would consider working in the math center as a tutor next semester. I said I would and that it would be nice to know that I would have work then. I briefly explained my earlier job trouble but that now I have plenty of opportunities. She then asked if I was going anywhere soon and I was not. So she brought me to Dr. Moore and recommended me to tutor up through Calculus I. I was shocked, but a little more prepared because of FB. They had me fill out a application for the future and said they would be in contact. They also asked if I would be interested in a math major. I explained why I was taking the things I was, and that I had thought about it a lot. Although I did not say that this brought up the question of teaching. I still have to consider this again. I don't think I will change my mind, but it is worth the thought.

I am really thankful for this. If I am being asked to tutor again, I must not be stupid. And although I still need a hug and someone just to be there, I am noticed. I am good at something. I am OK. Now I just need to take some time to cry.

UPDATE: the letter

Well... I guess I should write this as an update. Last Friday, I went to the love and respect meeting and finally gave in to the urge to write an apology letter to Teddy. He is the one that I have been discussing the last couple posts. I simply explained why I did the things I did. I didn't do it to get back together with him, just to know that he has forgiven me. I sent it with Monday’s mail. He should have gotten it yesterday or today, but perhaps not until to tomorrow. I don't expect to hear back from him for a week, but it is likely that I will not get a response. If I were him, I wouldn't even open the envelope.

But that is the other problem. In all the urging to send the letter, I didn't realize Monday is valentine's day. I would have never sent it had I known. I hope he doesn't think I sent it now because I do miss him. That was not my intent. I don't want him to think that the letter I sent is an open invitation to come back. I don't know what to think about all of it. All I know is that after I sent it, I received the peace I had been craving. I haven't lost the peace about it, even though I am still worried. It just lets me know that I was doing the right thing by sending the letter.

Now I just have the nagging feeling about the dream I had three years ago. About this time I reflect on the last year and wonder at how little I have done if I truly believe God is coming soon. Then I wonder if I should share the dream. It fits in with the couple others that stick in my head. Perhaps I will type it up sometime and share it on my blog. I will write the other dreams I have had in connection with it first. But that is a topic for another blog.

It'a him again

I miss him again. I had to do a homework on a personal relationship and all I would think of was the one I had with him. I have found that when I am with people I can forget. But it is the time in the morning when I know he would love the sunrise. Or something I read that I want to share. It is soo much worse since Friday. I always missed him, but now I notice it.

I remembered some of the fun things we did together like running down a mountain barefoot. We were both crazy. I miss not worrying about how I look, I knew that he wasn't attracted to my clothes, or hair, or makeup. He liked me for me. I don't see that often here. I see guys going after the pretty girls and girls making themselves pretty for that one guy they want to impress.

I guess that is why I never have used makeup or tried to change who I am. I want someone to choose me for who I am, not how I look. I know that I am ugly. I know that physically I am not a catch. So I am not going to try to be what I am not. My only hope at being pretty is not great makeup technique, but letting God make my heart beautiful and letting that shine through.

Any way, here is some of what I had to write for my homework:

We first met during the staff training week at camp. We were forced to learn each others names, otherwise we would have never talked. I had no interest in him at all. He was a shy backwoodsman with the clothes to match. He would hide in the corners of the room and never make eye contact. That was all the introduction we had. I was too busy trying to fit in with all the other staff to notice anything more about him.

Then came the first turning point. I had a hard time dealing with my boss in the kitchen. I had no one to talk to, and I was getting tired of holding it all in. so I looked around for someone I could talk to and not have it spread all over camp or change people perceptions of me. He was the answer. I didn't have an interest in him, and he was too shy to tell anyone what I told him. It was perfect. So I sought him out and tested him to make sure he wouldn't tell; and he proved true.

I continued to share things with him, still just treating him as a dumping ground. Yet, he would listen intently, he wouldn't try to solve the problem, and he would empathize with me. He learned to read me and would approach me before I had to come to him. He began sharing and I realized how much we had in common. When he started sharing, I started pursuing a deeper relationship. I could tell that he was willing to be honest and would be a great friend.

The relationship bloomed from there, I don't remember any other major changes or turning points until after I realized I was willing to change or even give up my dreams for him. I was willing to do the same for me, at least that was what came across. This feeling of being one person, of changing to fit this new person made of the two of us scared me. At that point I started pulling out.

The song of encouragement.

Well I tried building a snow man to make think of other things, but it didn't work. Anyway...

while I was typing the last blog entry (I type them into word than put them online since I don't have Internet), I was really getting sad and restless. Then I remembered my radio was tuned into the local christian station. I turned it on just wondering what songs would be on. Usually I don't listen to it because there is so much static, but today I could get a clear signal. The song that was playing was one I recognized, but I couldn't figure out what song it was until the chorus started. It goes

I've seen dreams that move the mountains,

Hope that doesn't ever end

Even when the sky is falling,

I've seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new,

That's what faith can do.

Even though it is heavier then I like, I needed the message. I knew it from our radio station in NY. I would listen to it on my way to work and back. I loved the message then too. But in this context.

I have many dreams, for little things like getting a 100 on a bio test, to being loved by someone and living for God as a missionary. I know that there are full mountain ranges in my way, but God gave me these big desires and He will accomplish them when the time comes. I goal right now is to learn to trust Him and put my hope in Him.

Many times with this issue I want to stop hoping. It hurts less to just admit defeat and lower my standards so that I can have someone to talk to. I could force myself to stay in a relationship right? But somehow hope comes back. I know there are no perfect people, but there has to be someone out there for me. And even after this last week when my world seemed to be upside down, I still had hope that someday I would have someone to hang upside down with me.

Miracles happen around me every day. I can see them, I just get in the habit of ignoring them. But for no apparent reason things start looking up for me. God knows when I am getting discouraged and will give me a reason to smile before I enter another rough spell. I know it is for my own good, but it is hard for me just to take it at times.

Silent prayers get answered... that really starts to strike home for me. When ever I think of the man from the last blog I pray for him. I want him to be happy. And even if I still love him, if someone else is better for him so be it. I would rather him have the best for him than feel like he has to do what I want. I also pray for his heart to be healed. I take full responsibility for braking it, and I wish he didn't have to live with my stupidity. I want him to no longer bear the scars I inflicted but to be made whole.

Broken hearts become brand new... that's what I’m praying for his heart. But more than that, it can apply to my heart. It can be made brand new. I don't have to bear the scars either. That is something that almost seems too good to be true. At times I wish I could not feel the pain of missing him. Of doing thing and meeting people that I know he would like.

And how does all this happen? Through faith that God has the best for us in mind and He will take care of me and take care of all the people I love, but especially the one I have hurt so badly.

Friday night blues

On Friday night, I went to the love and respect seminar put on my the Something in Common Sabbath School. Before the meeting, I was in high spirits. I had a great day and finally felt normal again after a horrible week. It was so refreshing to know that it wasn't only me but about 4-5 other people said it was rough too. But that is for another time.

Once I came to start eating with all the other students, I realized the mistake I had made. I was one of the very few there that did not have a date. I was very uncomfortable about that, but I didn't think I could just leave either. So as soon as I could I found something to do rather then just sit.

The presentation was wonderful. I did learn a lot, even why I don't fit in with girls or guys. But the biggest thing I left with was a sense of loneliness. I began to miss the one guy that ever did care about me.

There was one time at camp during the retirees retreat that we went to feed the horses and get them ready for the day. We always had fun feeding them by making them chase us for the hay. But this day there was an elderly couple up there watching us. As the horses ate the hay, we went to talk to them, they were campers and we were staff, I thought that was what we were supposed to do. The first question they ask as we walked up was how long we had been married. I was too shocked to respond. Yes, it was late in the summer and we were the last two “kids” left, and yes, we did enjoy being together, but to think we were married seemed to be a stretch.

He responded coolly that no we were not married, then they asked how long we had been dating. Again he said that we were just friends from the summer. I was glad he kept his calm because I would have been able answer them very well. But after that he treated me a little differently.

There was so much to that relationship. Even though we never were officially dating, I think we did cross that line. At time I say that I have never dated, but I don't think this is true. He did start talking about marriage with me, but I didn't know how to take it. He understood that I wanted to come to college, and that even if he waited for me, it would be 5-7 years, but that didn't bother him. He never planed to go farther in his education, but said he would move to be near me and get a job where ever I was.

Then I scared myself. I realized I loved him. I had thought to keep us at the level of friends, so what if he talked marriage, I could ignore that right? The other thing that scared me was how much he let me control him. It did teach me a lot about making my decisions for the good of others, but he would do just about anything I asked him to. The strong feelings I had for him scared me so bad that I asked him to stop writing me. And even though he didn't understand why, he stopped. I was surprised that he would, but then I had told him that I didn't want to hold hands until I am engaged and he never tried, and I told him that I didn't want to kiss until my wedding and he never pushed me. Any bound I put up, he respected without question. Then again, I did the same for him.

We both came to camp again, and he thought that there was nothing wrong. I was just scared of my feelings. Our relationship went on for three years when I had to ask him to stop. There was no nice way. He, in tears, asked me if I had ever loved him. I tried to explain, but he couldn't understand. He would say if I loved him at all just let him love me. He couldn't understand that I was scared of my love, scared that he would get too close, scared that he would hurt me. Finally I had to tell him no, I didn't love him. That was the hardest lie to tell. But he was in no condition to understand anything.

He didn't talk to me the rest of that summer. His birthday came and several other girls that had been trying to get his attention made him a pancake breakfast and invited his family. I wasn't invited. It was so hard not to crash that party. My heart was screaming at the other girls to get away, he was mine. He was the only one that said I was pretty and meant it, I needed him. But I just went into the woods and cried.

The next year I chose not to work at camp because I knew he would be there and I was giving him that territory. I did go and visit one weekend and he still could not look me in the eye. I tried to talk to him but he told me he didn't think he could. I cried all the way home, all nine hours. that was a year and a half ago. Two and a half since I broke up with him. I think he still has my heart. I still love him and miss him. I didn't think it would hurt this bad. I feel as if I ripped my heart in two and trampled on it for a couple years.

I never meant to tell so much...but I think you can understand why I had the blues Friday night now, and they are still having affects. I think I will go and make a snowman or something. Maybe that would help me feel better.

Bean Soup

Friday evening, I was excited. I always enjoy the company of friends, and going to a good friend's house on a Sabbath is one of my favorite things to do. Though it would be a quick visit, I was really looking forward to going to lunch this sabbath, and I had wanted to bring something. I always feel odd if I don't help in some way with the meal and I still eat. I know it is an odd feeling, but I always think I need to help if I am going to eat, otherwise it is not appropriate to eat that meal that was for someone else. And this was no exception.

Since I knew I was going on Friday, I thought I would be good to make beans soup to take and I thought it would be nice to bring cinnamon for tea as well. I was so excited that I decided to make the large slow cooker full of great northern bean soup.

As you know from before, I prize onions. I don't think I am good enough to eat them on my own, but with good friends, I would love them. I added several onions to the soup.

I was starting to study after all my food prep was completed when I got a phone call. I was needed to run cameras that Sabbath. I was crushed by the idea. I wouldn't be able to leave after sabbath school, so I wouldn't be able to have lunch with anyone. I didn't know what to do with the beans, I had way too many for me alone. But there was no good way to try to figure this out. I had no choice, I had to inform Mrs Lynn that I would not be able to come after church.

After the phone call, I prayed. I was so disappointed. I didn't know why this had happened and I still don't know why. I wanted to go, was that why I needed to stay home on Sabbath?

The next day, I ran cameras like I was supposed to and was still trying to figure out why I couldn't go to lunch. After the second service, Pastor Dwight had a call and was speaking to several people that had come forward in the youth chapel. I finished with everything else, and found a corner to sit in as I waited to the Pastor. He saw me but never came over to say hi to me, so I sat there. I was sad not knowing why things were working out this way. Hoping for some encouragement, I started reading my old blogs again.

Just as I was half way through the first one, Mrs Dana Johnston walked into the room. I expected no more then the usual Happy Sabbath from her, but she asked if I was going anywhere for lunch. It turned out that they had planned on have someone else over from the nursing home, but they weren't able to come so they were wondering if and who they should take home for the meal.

And you know what, I didn't have to eat my bean soup by myself. I was able to share it and make new friends at the same time. It makes me wonder if I needed to sign up to be adopted through PMC. I have not yet been able to meet my adopted family, but God has given me the family I need so far. I just have to wonder what it would be like if I actually followed God, how much better things would be if I was just willing to do what He says with a smile on my face?

The Cliff Bar

I hadn't eaten much when I got to school after that ride on Friday, but I thought I might have time to eat a grapefruit between classes. I knew that it would only sharpen my appetite and would not hold me over very long. So I was waiting until I really needed to eat or else I would not be able to focus on what I needed to learn. I was walking out of Chemistry when I saw Monty, a classmate.

“hey,” he said, as we were about to go different ways, “is that a grapefruit in your backpack?”

I wasn't about to lie about it, but I wasn't sure I wanted to draw attention to that fact either. “yeah, it is.” I answered.

“Wow, you're so cool”

“Why?”

“Most people don't go around with fruit in their backpacks. It's so cool to see other people doing it too. It seems like no one else does it. And grapefruit is one of my favorites.”

“Would you like it?” my mind started racing, I hadn't meant to say that.

“you're sure you wouldn't mind?”

“No, I have lots at home.”

“Thanks, is there anything I can trade with you?”

“No, you can just have it, I’ll get another at home later.”

“OK.” then Monty turned to leave with my breakfast. I had just decided that I didn't mind giving away my food when he turned back. “Hey, have you ever tried a Cliff bar?”

“No, what is a cliff bar?”

“It's an energy bar, you can get them at Apple Valley. Here, have this one.” He pulled one out of his backpack and handed it to me. I took it and Monty headed off to his next class.

I looked at the bar in my hand and was surprised. I didn't think I would get anything back. Now here, in my hands, I had something that would be even better for a meal than a single grapefruit. God had blessed me with breakfast and I would not have to starve until lunch, which I missed by the way and that bar held me over until I came home for supper.

A ride to school

There are times when I am just so lazy. This Friday, I walked around the house to go to school when I remembered my bike was still at the science complex. I had a ride from there to the girls dorm and then home after the dinner I spoke of in the last post.

I sighed, I really didn't want to walk to school again, but I kept forgetting my bike there. I started brooding in my mind about how I should have done this or that to change the situation now and how I had things I had to do before class and I only had one hour to do them. When I get in the mood to complain, I have a hard time stopping myself. This is one area that I really need to improve.

As I walked past Mr. Show's driveway, the car parked there beeped at me. I jumped, kind of, and went on to start complaining about that. Then Mr Show came out. I didn't feel it right to just walk by, I had to acknowledge his presence by saying hi. In the short greeting we exchanged, he offered to give me a ride to the science complex. On Fridays all my classes are in the science complex and that was where I had my bike parked. It was perfect to ride with him.

As I thought about this later, I felt really stupid. Have you ever read the stories of Israel in the wilderness and thought how dense they must have been? Have you ever thought that you would definitely act differently if you had the same test? Well, if you haven't, then I’m the weird one that has. As I thought about this incident, I was reminded of the time that Israel complained and complained that they didn't have the good things to eat that they had in Egypt. The story is in ex. 16.God gave them what they wanted, but the main point is that God had already blessed them so much, but all they could do was murmur and complain. How was I any different? I have so much, God has blessed me with many things, but all I could do was complain. Even so God gave me what I wanted, but now I fell really stupid for complaining in the first place. On the ride to school, I decided my attitude needed an adjustment.

The Surprise Diner

It was 2 pm on the same Thursday as spoken of before. I had finished the test and had enough time to go to the cafe for lunch. But after the stressful morning, I wanted to visit with Dr. Steen. Somehow things never seem as bad when I can talk with him, so I stopped at his office, and he was not there, but his hours said he would be in the lab until 4. I thought I might just catch him alone and get to talk to him, but alas, when I arrived another was already there. I didn't feel as comfortable talking around him, so I just listened to the instruction.

I had come wanting some time, just a few minutes I could make go a long way in my mood. I thought I might stay until Dr. Steen was free, but I realized that wouldn't work when two more people arrived.

I finally felt more in the way then anything and started to leave. Only then did I realize how hungry I was and that the cafe was closed. I decided to stay nearby that I could catch Dr. Steen to talk before he left. I focused on my chemistry homework for Friday and watched the clock.

At last my patience paid off, Dr. Steen came by. But I could see in his walk that he was going somewhere and wouldn't have the time for me. I realized anew how hungry I was when he told me he was heading home for lunch, but would be back. I thought about the beans I had back home, but thought I might wait until he came back to speak with him. So I started to work ahead in FB.

At about 4:45, I got a text saying that Pastor Dan was not coming at 5, but at 5:30 to take all the students from NY out to diner. I had forgotten about this and was happy to hear that I would get food. I am usually good about fasting, but I can't eat anything in the morning if I am going to fast and I had eaten that morning. Then at 5:10, Ross, another friend from NY, told me that Pastor Dan was there now.

I enjoyed that meal with Pastor Dan and his wife, I had missed them from working at Camp Cherokee. The wonderful thing about it was that God knew I needed some time with people, no it wasn't my choice of quality time, but I got to get off campus which is rare for me. And He knew how hungry I was and provide the meeting to involve food too. Basically, He knew me well enough to feed both my emotional and physical hunger all in one meeting. And I was also encouraged to do canvassing even though Pastor Dan is the director of a camp. Isn't God amazing?

Keeping Me Honest

On Thursday, I woke up early as normal, but I thought I had all my homework done for the day. I had stayed up the night before and finished my calculus homework. I rolled over and went back to sleep.

I woke up again at 5 am and and couldn't sleep anymore, so I laid there. I knew I had to read a chapter in communications, but that wouldn't take long. Then, at 5:30, I remembered, I had to write my lab report! I jumped out of bed and turned on the lights. Then I remembered I had a test in medical terminology. I began to panic, then I saw my devotional books. I keep them in a prominent place that I would not forget that in all things God must come first. I prayed that God help me get all the things done that I needed to get done and I picked up the devotional books. In patriarchs and prophets I had a longer chapter about the law given to Israel. It was 6:30 before I could do any of my homework, and I had a class at 8. I started reading the communications chapter because I knew that the teacher quizzes on the reading every class and that was due at 8. By 7am that was done and I walked into class.

Once I was sitting outside the classroom, I started to write my lab report. By the time class started, I had the writing done, but not the graphs that they wanted turned in with the report. I couldn't do it during a class, that would not be OK! I was thinking I would have to miss chapel.

We got out a little early, at 9:10, but I had a class at 9:30 and graphs to prepare in a new unfamiliar program. I hurried and I finished them at 9:28, just enough time to click into chemistry.

Then I had to print the report. I had only ten minutes between classes now. As soon as chemistry was out I ran upstairs to the office to print my papers. I was almost late to my next class but I made it just in time.

Then came the temptation. I had not yet studied for my test after biology, and I would have an hour if I studied during chapel. I would even feel better about it because it was at the Howard and not at PMC. I had decided to study there as I left the science building. The I saw Luise. I couldn't just walk by without saying hi and then we started talking. We walked and talked all the way to to the Howard, and ended up sitting next to him during the meeting. Now I couldn't sit there and study next to someone I know. Not during a meeting that I was supposed to be listening to. So I didn't pull out my book.

Part way though the meeting I saw people below me pull out the same book and study for the same test. I prayed when I saw that asking God to help me resist the urge to study. When Luise went to sleep on his backpack, the urge became stronger. But, by the grace of God, I was able to listen and not study or worry so much.

After FB I had ten more minutes to get to class and glance over the book. I should tell you that on the way down to Mexico I had gone over this chapter, but I was worried that I would have forgotten much of it. I glanced through the word lists, and then took the test. God cleared my mind and let me figure out most of the questions. I know I missed one, but I also know that God helped me get an A.

I never want to go through that kind of day again, but I praise God for his mercy and grace to get me through it

The Loaf Of Bread

On Tuesday I was really wanting some bread, I know it may seem odd to you, but as a poor student I often don't have the things that I want or need at home. I don't like talking about it because I don't like to make people feel sorry for me.

I had planned on taking Aunt Iva to Apple Valley because she can get the discount on that day. I thought I would just get the things I needed then.

After classes, I called Aunt Iva to see when she wanted to go. She explained that Janet had the day off and did all her shopping for her. I was very disappointed because I didn't want to ride or walk over there. She offered me her car, but I did take it because I don't feel right taking her car. Then I remembered the food pantry only open to students that would give me food. They meet on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So I decided to go even though I don't like to be handed food, but I am just too proud when it comes to that.

Once I got there, the only drinks there were milk and I am trying hard not to eat any milk. I had to refuse a lot of stuff for this reason. When I got to the bread station, I asked if they had any without milk and was told I would have to find it if there was some. I was expecting this, most places don't sort what they are giving away like that.

In the middle of the boxes of bread was a box of onions. You may think I am odd, but for me onions are a treat. I had only one and I wasn't putting it in my soup because I was going to use it for something special. Like if I made something to give away, although I don't do that very often. I just didn't feel worthy to eat that onion with out some reason for cutting it. Now, here before me, was a box of the precious food. That seemed too good to be true, I still haven't used any, but my mouth waters every time I look at them. I only took 5, I didn't think I was being too greedy.

Then I looked at the bread. They had lots of English muffins, but not very many loaves of bread left. I had come late to avoid the line, but I had missed the bread. I looked at 4-5 loaves, but they all had milk.

“I just want one loaf, Lord, just one loaf.” I said under my breath as I found one more to check for milk. It was the same brand as the others that had milk, but this one didn't. I was so excited. I now had bread. I also found a bag of mini bagels that were good too. I was so happy and gladly brought the treasures that God had given me home and enjoyed them with the chile I had made for that evening.

God is so good to me.

I was reading the last posts from so long ago and I decided that I would post some of the little miracles that God does for me.

A few days ago, I woke up early after dreaming of how to solve a problem in chemistry. Well I did what most people would do, I pulled out my notebook and started writing down the answer.

Then my pencil broke. That was no problem, my backpack was in reach and I pulled out my sharpener. As I started to sharpen my pencil, my eyes fell on the books I have been reading for worship. “no,” I thought, “I will do worship after I finish the problem.”

then my lead broke in the sharpener, again I thought how easy it would be just to do worship first. Then my lead broke again. By this time I was recognizing the same kind of battle I had read in my own experience. Yet I still fought, and the lead broke again. Finally I put down the pencil, still in the sharpener, and pulled out my books for worship.

By the way, after I finished, the pencil sharpened on the first try....

Sometimes I don't know whether these are funny or not. I can laugh about it now, but at the same time, God was reminding me that I asked him to help put Him first. I was about to make my school more important then my relationship with Him. That is a serious offense. I thank God for showing me this and getting my attention.