I am more than I think

I have a wonderful praise today. Things that I needed are happening just so. When I got my test in chemistry back, I was very discouraged. I have never had so low a test grade. Once I went through my check to see why it was so low. I realized I had approached several of the problems the wrong way. Then the problems started.

Dr Hayes was still going over all question that most of the class got wrong when I started venting on my note paper. I was writing how stupid I am and the like on my notes. Most of which is not good to share. By the time class was over I had finished my letter. My last lines were a plea for help. I don;t like to feel lost and unloved. I know this is not true, but that doesn't change what I feel.

At the end of calculus, I wanted to just leave and cry but I stayed to listen to questions. I wanted to stay after Dr Henson left but I realized that she was not going to leave until I left. She talked to me about simple Calc can be. And I admitted that it was one of my easiest classes. It just all makes sense.

She then asked if I would consider working in the math center as a tutor next semester. I said I would and that it would be nice to know that I would have work then. I briefly explained my earlier job trouble but that now I have plenty of opportunities. She then asked if I was going anywhere soon and I was not. So she brought me to Dr. Moore and recommended me to tutor up through Calculus I. I was shocked, but a little more prepared because of FB. They had me fill out a application for the future and said they would be in contact. They also asked if I would be interested in a math major. I explained why I was taking the things I was, and that I had thought about it a lot. Although I did not say that this brought up the question of teaching. I still have to consider this again. I don't think I will change my mind, but it is worth the thought.

I am really thankful for this. If I am being asked to tutor again, I must not be stupid. And although I still need a hug and someone just to be there, I am noticed. I am good at something. I am OK. Now I just need to take some time to cry.

UPDATE: the letter

Well... I guess I should write this as an update. Last Friday, I went to the love and respect meeting and finally gave in to the urge to write an apology letter to Teddy. He is the one that I have been discussing the last couple posts. I simply explained why I did the things I did. I didn't do it to get back together with him, just to know that he has forgiven me. I sent it with Monday’s mail. He should have gotten it yesterday or today, but perhaps not until to tomorrow. I don't expect to hear back from him for a week, but it is likely that I will not get a response. If I were him, I wouldn't even open the envelope.

But that is the other problem. In all the urging to send the letter, I didn't realize Monday is valentine's day. I would have never sent it had I known. I hope he doesn't think I sent it now because I do miss him. That was not my intent. I don't want him to think that the letter I sent is an open invitation to come back. I don't know what to think about all of it. All I know is that after I sent it, I received the peace I had been craving. I haven't lost the peace about it, even though I am still worried. It just lets me know that I was doing the right thing by sending the letter.

Now I just have the nagging feeling about the dream I had three years ago. About this time I reflect on the last year and wonder at how little I have done if I truly believe God is coming soon. Then I wonder if I should share the dream. It fits in with the couple others that stick in my head. Perhaps I will type it up sometime and share it on my blog. I will write the other dreams I have had in connection with it first. But that is a topic for another blog.

It'a him again

I miss him again. I had to do a homework on a personal relationship and all I would think of was the one I had with him. I have found that when I am with people I can forget. But it is the time in the morning when I know he would love the sunrise. Or something I read that I want to share. It is soo much worse since Friday. I always missed him, but now I notice it.

I remembered some of the fun things we did together like running down a mountain barefoot. We were both crazy. I miss not worrying about how I look, I knew that he wasn't attracted to my clothes, or hair, or makeup. He liked me for me. I don't see that often here. I see guys going after the pretty girls and girls making themselves pretty for that one guy they want to impress.

I guess that is why I never have used makeup or tried to change who I am. I want someone to choose me for who I am, not how I look. I know that I am ugly. I know that physically I am not a catch. So I am not going to try to be what I am not. My only hope at being pretty is not great makeup technique, but letting God make my heart beautiful and letting that shine through.

Any way, here is some of what I had to write for my homework:

We first met during the staff training week at camp. We were forced to learn each others names, otherwise we would have never talked. I had no interest in him at all. He was a shy backwoodsman with the clothes to match. He would hide in the corners of the room and never make eye contact. That was all the introduction we had. I was too busy trying to fit in with all the other staff to notice anything more about him.

Then came the first turning point. I had a hard time dealing with my boss in the kitchen. I had no one to talk to, and I was getting tired of holding it all in. so I looked around for someone I could talk to and not have it spread all over camp or change people perceptions of me. He was the answer. I didn't have an interest in him, and he was too shy to tell anyone what I told him. It was perfect. So I sought him out and tested him to make sure he wouldn't tell; and he proved true.

I continued to share things with him, still just treating him as a dumping ground. Yet, he would listen intently, he wouldn't try to solve the problem, and he would empathize with me. He learned to read me and would approach me before I had to come to him. He began sharing and I realized how much we had in common. When he started sharing, I started pursuing a deeper relationship. I could tell that he was willing to be honest and would be a great friend.

The relationship bloomed from there, I don't remember any other major changes or turning points until after I realized I was willing to change or even give up my dreams for him. I was willing to do the same for me, at least that was what came across. This feeling of being one person, of changing to fit this new person made of the two of us scared me. At that point I started pulling out.